Chug A Lug Big Boy

WARNING: I must warn the reader that this tale strays into the shadows of scary and the hard light of real life. There may even be some nudity. So if you are the type of person that is offended by a loving mother breast feeding her infant in public you may want to skip this one.

dateline 1993 - Malibu California

My wife and I finally manage to coordinate our first night away from our first child. It has been months and months since we have had a moment alone let alone be on a date and I am starting to get a little crazy. I decide to surprise my wife with a "special" night out. I arrange for our best friends and god parents to watch our daughter, rent a limousine, check the freezer to make sure there is enough frozen breast milk to feed our first baby as we rejuvenate. I even pack an overnight bag with everything my wife will need for a cozy romantic night away with her husband. A chance to reconnect and renew our commitment to each other.

Everything goes smoothly. We cruise down to Malibu, check into our ocean front hotel with a balcony and hot tub on the water. We have an amazing dinner at Alice's restaurant just north of our hotel and linger over a last glass of champagne.

We climb back in the limo and head back to the hotel.

WIFE: This has been so nice. You have thought of everything. Can you tell me where you packed my breast pump, my boobs feel like they are gonna explode.

HUSBAND (Me): What? Breast pump? You don't have to worry about that, I made sure we had plenty of frozen breast milk at home, so we are good.

WIFE: It doesn't work that way. These things are hard as rocks and need to be dealt with.

Well, I didn't pay good money for a limo for nothing. I lower the privacy window and ask the driver to take us to the nearest pharmacy so I can buy a breast pump. With a little luck we will be fixed up and back on the romance train in a few minutes.

Back in the 90's there wasn't a 24 hour CVS on every corner and I quickly realize no place is open.

We get back to the hotel and I anxiously look out our balcony sliding glass door trying to save this sinking ship.

WIFE: "I am in some pretty serious pain here. How could you forget my breast pump?!?"

HUSBAND: (blank stare).

WIFE: "Well this is gonna have to be fixed. Chug-a-lug big boy!!!"

The next thing you know I am drinking 32 ounces of piping hot breast milk. She was right they might explode. Milk was literally shooting out of them. The confused messages my brain were getting was dizzying. Is this sexy? NO. Is this fun? NO. Am I crying? Maybe.

15 minutes later we quietly slink into bed. I am so full from booze and the rich broth of mothers milk that I am worried about the consequences of my gastrointestinal track. Has this every happened before? Do they test this sort of thing?

Needless to say. This turned out to be the least romantic evening of my life. After some difficult soul searching and maybe an extra chat with my therapist I went on to live a "normal" life.

We did end up connecting. Just not in the way I had hoped.


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